If you are a fan of Strangers With Candy you will appreciate it. If you are big fan you probably will hate it. Anyway if you dont know this show and movie, it is a production by Stephen Cobert and Amy Sedaris about an ex-con crack whore who goes back to high school at age 40 to restart her life. I wrote a sequel to their movie and submitted it to the producers of the show. Doubt I will get a response but if you see the gags and scenarios in a new movie, you know where it came from.
Strangers With Candy on Comedy Central
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Strangers With Candy – The Sequel “Stalker Brand Candies, because love never quits”
We start out a year prior to Jeri being in school. She is in prison and she is the slave pony to the queen prison bitch that runs the cell block four gang “the beauties”. Each woman in this gang has her gang name as a state, Jeri’s is Idaho. Reason being is she is the “ho”. The head of the gang or queen is ex Miss Universe and astronaut who was busted cocaine, prostitution and soliciting a minor on one of those catch a predator tv shows. She is beautiful and appears like a courteous Sandy from the movie Grease with an dark Darth Vader evil side. She has made Jeri her personal bitch as it was Jeri’s dad who was responsible the queen’s dad being jailed prior. However Jeri is not knowledgeable about this yet.
Back to the present. Jeri is in high school and her teacher Chuck Noblet is reciting versus to his science class out of the bible. He is teaching how after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden of eden they had nothing to eat, so they ate all the dinosaurs. Jeri interrupts Chuck and asks can she be a science teacher like him. Chuck replies that God does not allow things like this to happen and prove his point he directs her to go to that “heathen” guidance counselor. Jeri leaves the room and looks back somber at Chuck. Chuck tells her to go now because this is the closest to a career she will have.
Jellineck walks in the room as Jeri leaves, Jeri begins to say something to Jellineck but he tells her that he will deal with her in his class. Jeri walks away like a small child that is sad. Chuck stares at Jellineck and whispers “you complete me” with signs with his hand. Jellineck starts crying and cries all the way down the hall way for a while. Meanwhile Chuck is staring at the door and breaks thought to tell the class to now open their bibles he means science books to tower of babel. This is where things got racist.
The scene now turns to hearing principal Blackman behind his office door yelling that he does not want to ever hear about “you” bringing a gun to school. Knives are also supposed to be under 12 inches in length and no grenades. The door opens and it is the school nurse leaving crying and saying she is sorry. Blackman orders her to leave and bring back those medicines he asked for. He then points to one of the waiting students in his secretary’s office and orders them in his office. As the student enters his office, he asks if they brought their lunch money this time.
Jerri shows up to the door of the guidance counselor. The sign on the door says; “Guidance Counselor/Astrologer/Sex Therapist/Weight Loss Coach” She enters and this overweight man greets her. She sits down and tells him she wants to do something with his life like be a science teacher or maybe a guidance counselor like him. The counselor goes on a rant about you kids always are after his job. Just because they are younger and smarter they think they can replace him. He tells Jerri that he will see what is in the cards for her. He throws some chicken bones on a ouji board and stares at it. He states that her future is crack whore. She says, “Wow, wait I have been that already.” He says to wait a minute and he turns the board around. He then tells her ok your future career will be a politician maybe president of the united states. She gets excited and says, ‘Really!” He says, “Sure it is possible, I don’t really know since I ran out of board before it showed prison again for you, but that is not what is important. The important thing is you are in school taking the right steps. Now go out that door and learn. Please lock the door on your way out and tell no one you where here.” Jerri leaves all excited.
Jerri goes home her step mom gets onto her that she just got finished cleaning the door knobs and she just dirtied them up again. Jerri happily walks into her step brother who tells her to back up skunk monkey. She tells him that sticks and stones have broken her bones but words will always get you shanked. He begins to make a punching motion but tells her, that if she did not have those unknown diseases he would lay her out with one hit. They stare each other down as Jerri makes it up to her dad’s room. She converses with her dad in his coma state about what she should do. His coma body points to her room. She sobs as she wanders there. Jerri pulls out her shoe box of her mom’s ashes and asks her what she should do with the rest of her life. She stares confused and puts the box on the shelf. As she looks at the box sitting on her bed, her step mom screams, “lights out!”. Jerri turns her lights off and gets ready for bed. She looks at the box and says, “Mom, someday I will be someone important, you will see.” The stepmom screams, “No talking till tomorrow’s head count!”
The scene changes to the prison cell showing the back of the prison queen wearing her tierra. The guard tells her she is free to go now. Music of cape fear swells up and she turns with a big beautiful smile. As she leaves we see pictures of Jerri and her dad on the wall. The guard asks her if she is going to take all her packages of kool-aid with her? She states, I am going to use real makeup for now on. She passes the camera.
Jerri stands at her sidewalk waiting for the bus and waves to the students across the street where the high school is. The bus arrives and she gets on sitting next to Megawatti. She asks what he is reading and he states it is about evolution. She says really, I use to love science fiction. The bus stops and Tammi Littlenut steps on. Jerri tells Megawatti to sit in the seat in front of her to make room for Tammi. Jerri yells for “Copperhead” to sit with her. Tammi reluctantly sits and Jerri begins to make sweet talk to her. Jerri asks her if she likes movies about gladiators. About that time the bus stops and walks on is queen prison bitch and cape fear music swells. She sits in the seat next to Jerri and asks her how she has been. Jerri asks what is she doing here. The queen tells her that she is going back to high school and starting over. She asks if she can come over after school and catch up on ole times. Jerri tells her no. Queen informs Jerri about a lot of things her friends might be interested to know about her and immediately Jerri agrees to the visit. The bus stops at school and the driver yells for everyone to get off. Everyone starts shuffling towards the front and the driver tells them to leave out the emergency door in the back, the front is for entering only.
Jerri and Queen are in Jerri’s room and Queen is looking around. Queen tells Jerri she is impressed and begins to tell Jerri it is fitting that her dad is in a coma. Jerri asks what she means. Queen begins to tell her about what her dad did to his. The scene goes to that time as Queen narrates. She explains how they were friends and knocked over cigarette trucks together. That was tell her dad was caught and ratted out the Queen’s dad. He testified against the Queen’s dad at the trial. As the accusations are read the jury is crying. One juror looks at Queen’s dad and silent says, “how could you?” While another juror is reading crime and punishment magazine. Later the judge asks the jury foreman if they have come to a verdict. The jury foreman stands up and lifts a ventroloquist dummy and the dummy states in a high pitch voice, “He’s guilty!” The vision goes back to Jerri’s room and Jerri says I am sorry but I did not do anything to you. Queen states that she is right and the past is the past. Jerri says good and goes to the bathroom. Jerri returns and the Queen is doing cocaine lines using the ashes of Jerri’s mom on a mirror. Jerri screams asking what she is doing with her mommy. Queen asks her if she knows how much drugs her mom did, the street value is incredible on her ashes. Jerri kicks her out. Queen looks back and tells Jerri, I will beat you in every way.
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I am working on the rest later. My scenerio is the queen becomes class president and her picture shows up everwhere as she is loved by all. The principal and guidance counselor has her picture up and so forth. The rivalry goes on through the movie as Jerri tries to compete with queen.
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